BREAKING: Lawton Willingham Elected Pope Despite Being a Complete Bogue

April 28, 2025

In a move that has baffled theologians, historians, and at least three confused pigeons in Vatican Square, Lawton Willingham has been officially elected the new Pope — despite the well-known and universally acknowledged fact that he is a bogue of the highest order. The conclave, reportedly under the influence of expired communion wine and a spirit of “YOLO,” elected Willingham after he confidently strutted into the Sistine Chapel wearing sunglasses, flip-flops, and carrying a half-eaten gas station burrito. Eyewitnesses say the cardinals mistook his sheer audacity for divine inspiration. “Honestly, we just thought he had a plan,” said Cardinal Francesco DeBenedetti, nervously rearranging his hat. “He was the only one who brought his own snacks.” Upon his election, Pope Lawton I — who has already demanded that title be pronounced “Pope Law-Dawg the First” — immediately made several sweeping changes, including: • Replacing incense with the scent of barbecue-flavored vape clouds. • Changing the Vatican anthem to “Sweet Home Alabama.” • Issuing a Papal Bull declaring “Cargo Shorts are Liturgical Vestments Now.” • Announcing that sainthood can now be achieved by winning three consecutive games of cornhole. When asked about his qualifications for the highest office in Catholicism, Pope Lawton simply shrugged, chugged a Mountain Dew, and said, “Look, the Lord works in mysterious ways, bro.” As the new pontiff prepared for his first Mass — featuring a sermon titled “Thou Shalt Chill” — Vatican officials were seen frantically googling “how to pope” and wondering if it was too late to just let the pigeons vote next time.

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