Lawton’s Eggplant Stand: A Tale of Forbidden Fruit

July 9, 2025

Lawton wasn’t much for subtlety. One hot Chattanooga morning, he pulled up in his dusty Dodge Dakota and set up a folding table right next to Miranda’s Adult Bookstore—a neon-lit den of mystery, moans, and questionable window tint. But Lawton wasn’t there for sin. He was there for produce. And not just any produce—Ichiban eggplants. Long. Shiny. Bold. Each one shaped like it had auditioned for a role in Miranda’s back room collection. His sign read: “?Lawton’s Lovelies: Large Ichiban Eggplants?—No Batteries Required?” Miranda stepped outside in a cloud of judgment and glitter spray. “Lawton! Folks are getting confused! This ain’t the farmer’s market!” But Lawton grinned. “Ain’t nobody confused, Miranda. They know exactly what they came for—fiber, potassium, and maybe a new hobby.” And she couldn’t argue with the foot traffic. Her customers started coming out holding eggplants, giggling, and whispering things like, “Do you roast ‘em whole or slice ‘em first?” One man bought three and asked Lawton to “bag them discreetly.” By Wednesday, he was offering zucchini “just for balance,” and cherry tomatoes labeled “Rated G.” On Friday, Lawton added a chalkboard that read: “We Beat the Meat—With Plant-Based Options” A couple even asked if he did gift baskets. Miranda hasn’t spoken to him since. But Lawton’s stand now accepts Venmo, barters for moonshine, and rumor has it he’s in talks with a local yoga studio to start a CSA box called: “The Tantric Tomato Club.” Coming soon: Lawton’s Melon Tent ?—Right Behind Hooters. Because when life gives you curves…you grow produce that respects them.

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