“United and Woke: A Portrait of Modern Allies”

July 13, 2025

Dear Lawton, Hello from your old pals, John and Bev Goodman! We hope this finds you sipping a kale smoothie and furiously tweeting about climate change—because, my friend, we’ve decided it’s high time we join the ranks of the self-proclaimed “libtards,” and frankly, we haven’t the foggiest where to begin. Bev tried swapping her morning bacon for avocado toast yesterday, but halfway through she went back to the pork. And I attempted to craft a witty political meme, but it came out looking like a toddler’s finger-painting of Bernie Sanders. Clearly, we need your expert guidance in this lifestyle upgrade. Here’s our current game plan (feel free to roast us mercilessly): 1. Social Media Overhaul • John: I changed my profile pic to me holding a puppy with a rainbow bandana—was that too on-the-nose? • Bev: I tried adding “#Resist” to every post, but now my grandchildren think I’ve taken up crochet instead of commentary. 2. Wardrobe Revision • We’ve acquired matching organic hemp shirts that say “Coexist,” but we look like twins in a cult brochure. Help? 3. Academic Flex • Bev has a “Woke 101” notebook full of bullet points, but she keeps confusing intersectionality with intercontinental travel. • I spent three hours watching policy lectures—my eyes glazed over faster than a donut at a police convention. 4. Activism Ambitions • We’d like to attend a protest, but the last time Bev held a sign, she accidentally offended both sides—and ended up at a chili cook-off. • John is ready to chant slogans; Bev just wants to bring snacks. Should we be THAT couple? Lawton, please don your most progressive-thinking cap and give us a crash course: Which hashtags are hot? How do we avoid “tone-deaf tweet” syndrome? And is there a safe word when our opinions start sounding like regurgitated bumper stickers? We’re counting on you—our honorary “libtard” sensei—to transform us from bewildered bacon-eaters into full-fledged champions of social justice (or at least make us sound like it at dinner parties). Yours in reluctant radicalization, John & Bev Goodman P.S. If there’s a secret handshake or ritual we need to learn, please send instructions. We’ve already practiced nodding earnestly.

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