“MEAT STICK BANDIT” STRIKES… BUT PICKS THE WRONG CLINIC”

November 18, 2025

North Andover, MA – Tuesday Chaos erupted in North Andover yesterday morning when a man disguised as a delivery driver attempted a daring—and extremely strange—heist at the local Game Day Men’s Health clinic. His target? Not cash. Not equipment. But meat sticks. And, for reasons still unclear, several cans of La Croix. A Very Weird Crime Scene According to staff, the suspect strolled into the clinic shortly after opening, wearing a delivery uniform that looked like it had been printed on a home printer. He held a clipboard upside down, nodded professionally, and said, “Yep, just here for the… uh… protein inspection.” Suspicion grew when he began stuffing handfuls of complimentary meat sticks into his bag, pausing only to scoop up an entire 8-pack of La Croix from the staff fridge. When confronted, he shouted, “I have a delivery exemption!” — a phrase no one had ever heard before — and sprinted out of the building. Enter the Heroes: Sara and Kelli General Manager Sara Burnheimer had just finished answering emails when she heard the frantic call: “SARA! MEAT STICK THEFT IN PROGRESS!” Without hesitation, Sara bolted toward the door. Right behind her was clinic botox specialist Kelli, who had been sterilizing equipment and, according to witnesses, said: “Oh hell no. Not on my watch. I didn’t go to school for this level of disrespect.” The two women burst outside just in time to see the suspect hopping onto a stolen electric scooter, already overloaded with cured meats and sparkling beverages. The scooter’s motor whined under the burden of about 40% protein snacks and 60% pure chaos. The Slow-Motion High-Speed Chase What followed was the most unintimidating high-speed pursuit North Andover has ever witnessed. The suspect’s scooter maxed out at about 13 mph, but he rode it with the intensity of someone who deeply feared jail and/or hydration. Sara and Kelli jumped into Sara’s car, beginning what witnesses described as “a heroic chase, but also kind of adorable.” At one point, the suspect attempted evasive maneuvers by weaving between recycling bins, losing several meat sticks in the process. They bounced across the road like salty tumbleweeds. Kelli, leaning out the window, yelled: “DROP THE LA CROIX! YOU CAN STILL WALK AWAY A HYDRATED MAN!” The thief did not comply. The Dramatic Finale The chase came to an end when the scooter battery gave out in the town common, rolling to a sad, powerless stop. The suspect fell sideways into a shrub, sending a geyser of La Croix fizzing into the air. Sara and Kelli quickly detained the man in what police later called “a surprisingly well-coordinated citizen’s arrest,” noting that Kelli performed the takedown with “excellent posture.” Officers arrived minutes later and confirmed that the man was wanted for several odd crimes, including stealing a rotisserie chicken from Market Basket and leaving behind a note that read, “Too bland. Season better.” All’s Well That Ends With Electrolytes The stolen meat sticks were recovered, though several were stepped on during the shrub-related scuffle. The La Croix survived with minor dents. The town has hailed Sara and Kelli as heroes, and the mayor is reportedly considering creating a new annual award: The North Andover Snack Protection Medal. When asked for comment, Sara simply said: “I’m just glad we kept our patients’ snacks safe. Also, I didn’t think my cardio would get tested today.” Kelli added: “If you’re going to steal something, maybe don’t do it from two women hopped up on peptides.” Authorities confirm the suspect is in custody and facing charges of petty theft, disorderly conduct, and impersonating a delivery driver “with extremely poor commitment to the role.” North Andover residents can sleep easy once more—knowing their meat sticks are safe and justice has fizzed forth.

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